Saturday, March 7, 2009

5 Days In....

It's Saturday, March 7, 2009. I gave birth to Lily only 5 days ago. It all seems a complete and total blur. In a sense, it has gone by very quickly, and on the other hand, I can recall every single second of every single hour of every single day. The moments have been pulling on my heart, ripping it into pieces. I feel emotions I never knew existed. I often find myself going through the motions, with no thought or idea as to how i had gotten there or what exactly it is I am doing.

At this very moment, it is raining outside. Seems appropriate, as I am not feeling very much sunshine in my heart, why should I see it in the sky? I am broken. I am defeated. I am hurting. There has never been a harder time in my life.

I am going to lay it all out. Please do not judge. Do not ridicule. Do not tell me what I am feeling is wrong or bad. Because trust me, I already know how wrong it is to feel what I feel, I don't need to be reminded.

I always said I was never meant to be a Mom, but that I was meant to be JONAH'S Mom. And I am insanely weakened by the fact that the time I once had with my son is compromised. I was so good at loving him, and only him. He was the center of my universe and the light that lead me through the day. And as much as I say this, I know I was never the best mom I could have been to him. For this, I am shameful. To the bottom of the barrel, completely and totally ashamed. And honestly, not the only thing I am ashamed of. I am ashamed of the resentment I feel toward my new baby girl. With her, I go through the motions entirely. I feed her, I change her, I hold her, I comfort her. I give her what she needs to live and thrive. But I am having a hard time giving her LOVE. Which may be the most important thing of all.

I am ashamed that I didn't do things better with him before Lily's arrival. I am hurting because I know I could have tried harder.

I know what you are thinking. Break the cycle. Start fresh. I now have 2 beautiful children to love and adore.

I felt resentment toward Jonah in the beginning as well, for changing and altering my life so much from that of an individual to that of a Mother. I got over it, and look what it turned into. The most beautiful thing I could have ever imagined. That little boy changed me in a way I never knew possible. He teaches me something new every, single day and I am ever so proud of him and his accomplishments and achievements, but mostly for just be WHO HE IS. Even before all of this, I would get all teary-eyed just b hearing him say "Thank You" or being able to point out the picture of a kitty in a book. It's those little things that make me fall in love with him over and over and over again.

And now we have Lily. The journey begins all over again. But even though everyone says that this is harder on me than it is him (and I am beginning to completely agree with them), the thing is, it still is extremely hard and complicated and deafening to my soul. I know all of the love I feel for Jonah will come in time with Lily, I know that! It;s like I have these 2 intense feelings in my heart and my head right now. That of the depression I am facing and that of the reality.

The depression is real and hurtful and heartbreaking. I feel it in my bones and my eyes and fingers and every other piece of my body. And then there is the reality. That logical voice in my brain saying "Jen, you know this will pass. It has before. It will again. And millions of mother's out there have more than one child and they survive. And the kids grow up loving each other and their parents, and life is good."

How can I possibly be thinking BOTH of those things, but have such a hard time believing the one that makes more sense?

So, as I continue to go with the motions. With daily highs and lows and a in-betweens, I watch you all go on with your livesm and think to myself "How is it no one else is going through what I am going through?" I blankly watch TV, or stare out the window as the cars go by, or more importantly, watch my husband and son interact, just like they always have, and wonder to myself, "How can they possibly go on like nothing has changed?"

I WANT TO GO ON LIKE NOTHING HAS CHANGED!

I am not asking for pity. I am not even expecting anyone to really care about all of this. I just needed to get it out. And even though I am placing it in a public forum, for all to read and see and ridicule, I felt the need to share. Because right now, maybe someone out there reading this had been there, and can offer some well-meaning advice. Or maybe in the future, when this is all over, some other Mother will be going through the exact same thing, and stumble upon this post, and see that she too, is not alone and has someone to contact for support as many of you have done for me.

And to all of you in my Mommy Blogoshpere that have come to my rescue, I know I have not been able to thank individually via Twitter or email, but I want you to know that every word of encouragement I have received from you has made a difference. Those kind words have gotten me through each moment I spoke of. And I know you will always be there. Thank you.


10 comments:

La Mama Naturale' said...

((HUGS)) So sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's tough being a mama. I have no doubt that your feelings will pass and you'll feel like yourself again in no time. I hope you get through this tough time with the love and support of your friends and family. Sending positive vibes your way! =) Take Good Care.

Mom23Boys said...

Maybe some of this is just the baby blues. I felt the worst about things about a week after the baby arrived with all 3 of my kids. With two of mine, the baby blues turned into full fledged post partum depression. I can totally relate to everything you are feeling.

The best thing I ever did with my third child was talk to my OB about how I was feeling, and how hard everything was. She totally helped me out. I should have talked to her with my first two, and things would have been SO much better.

Have you thought of talking with your doctor?

I hope things get better for you!!!

Lynette3boys said...

Hormones are a crazy thing, especially after delivering a baby. Give yourself some time. I really commend you for speaking up about your true emotions, which I believe is the first step to overcoming any hurdle. Your confidence will increase with each day as will the love in your heart. Hugs to you Jen!

Susan said...

I wish I was there to help! No matter what, remember that you can't help the way you feel and your feelings aren't wrong. I really admire your honesty and know it will help others who are going through the same thing. Hang in there! Susan

Together We Save said...

I would love to give you a hug right now. I had depression after my third daughter. It was rough and my doctor told me to lose weight and I would feel better. Like baby weight had anything to do with how I was feeling. You are wise to talk it out. Find a doctor to help you. It may go away on its own but you may need help.

Anyway I will pray for you. You will be okay you just have to find your way through the fog.

vamomma said...

Hugs to you!

These are the things that no one really speaks about...but it happens and I applaud you for your honesty.

I remember how TOTALLY overwhlemed I was when I had my second child. I mean TOTALLY. I was OUTNUMBERED! And I remember how scary and frightening it was. I remember at one point sitting in the bathroom just sobbing! I remember doing what I needed to do just to get through the day and feeling like I was a robot on auto-pilot.

I am now expecting my 6th child, but I have to tell you, the transition from a 1 child to a 2 child family was by far the most difficult transition for me to make. It was also hard to rationalize--ok...now I have 2 kids to love. How do I do this? How do I give my first all she needs and also give to the second? It was mind boggling.

I think another thing that most mom's don't talk about is that sometimes...sometimes...you DON'T feel that immediate "love" thing with a child. My friend confided this to me after the birth of her first and only child. She was worried there was something wrong with her. There wasn't.

Hugs to you....and take care of yourself. I agree with Mom23Boys...consider talking with your OB.

Please keep us updated and let us know how you are doing.

Kristin said...

I'm pregnant with my second although I somehow know how you feel. It is so different, everything's going to change..BIG HUGS though! If you ever need anything just ask!

mocha beanie mummy said...

I missed this post, hope you don't mind the late reply; you are SO not alone. I know of the resentment you felt in the beginning; I still beat myself up bout it now, and I dread when this next one comes because I'm pretty sure depression will hit me full force.

But one thing I remember is to NOT do it alone. It's hard to ask for help and support, and you've taken a huge leap of faith posting it in your blog. Talk to your OB, talk to friends, family, anyone, we're all here for you.

And before I forget, it already sounds to me like you're doing a great job, you're a big incentive to me. ;o)
xx

feedingtimeatthezoo said...

I just happened on your blog. I want to say that you are SO NORMAL.

I have 3 sons. When the first was born it was all fireworks and awe. I felt instantly, madly, deeply in love w/ him. At least it felt that way.

Then my second came and I felt...nothing. For a year I worried that I'd never love him like I loved my first. I beat myself up constantly for being such an inadequate mother. It was a hard year. I didn't get much of a break after having my baby, I had PPD, I was overwhelmed and I had mastitis twice.

Eventually I came out of the fog enough to look around and seek out other mothers' experiences. Know what I found? THIS IS REALLY NORMAL. Many moms feel this way about their second kids. I had forgotten that falling in love is a process. It isn't instant. Plus, adding a 2nd kid is hard work and it's easy to get overwhelmed. I agree with the PP that the transition from 1-2 was the hardest one.

Give yourself a break. Love yourself. Know that you are normal and it'll be OK. Hang in there!

Nicole/feedingtimeatthezoo/NicoleLJ on Twitter

nikkol said...

i don't have children of my own, so i have no idea, but can imagine the attachment that is created with each child is completely different.

i think the fact that you were able to be so honest with yourself and so candid on your blog shows incredible strength.

i really appreciate yours and other mommy blogs bc i love children and look forward to having my own someday and need all the advice / help i can get!

i am a big advocate of talk therapy, so if you're still struggling, you might feel better talking to someone. i know this is a late response and i hope you are feeling well :)