5 Days In....

It's Saturday, March 7, 2009. I gave birth to Lily only 5 days ago. It all seems a complete and total blur. In a sense, it has gone by very quickly, and on the other hand, I can recall every single second of every single hour of every single day. The moments have been pulling on my heart, ripping it into pieces. I feel emotions I never knew existed. I often find myself going through the motions, with no thought or idea as to how i had gotten there or what exactly it is I am doing.

At this very moment, it is raining outside. Seems appropriate, as I am not feeling very much sunshine in my heart, why should I see it in the sky? I am broken. I am defeated. I am hurting. There has never been a harder time in my life.

I am going to lay it all out. Please do not judge. Do not ridicule. Do not tell me what I am feeling is wrong or bad. Because trust me, I already know how wrong it is to feel what I feel, I don't need to be reminded.

I always said I was never meant to be a Mom, but that I was meant to be JONAH'S Mom. And I am insanely weakened by the fact that the time I once had with my son is compromised. I was so good at loving him, and only him. He was the center of my universe and the light that lead me through the day. And as much as I say this, I know I was never the best mom I could have been to him. For this, I am shameful. To the bottom of the barrel, completely and totally ashamed. And honestly, not the only thing I am ashamed of. I am ashamed of the resentment I feel toward my new baby girl. With her, I go through the motions entirely. I feed her, I change her, I hold her, I comfort her. I give her what she needs to live and thrive. But I am having a hard time giving her LOVE. Which may be the most important thing of all.

I am ashamed that I didn't do things better with him before Lily's arrival. I am hurting because I know I could have tried harder.

I know what you are thinking. Break the cycle. Start fresh. I now have 2 beautiful children to love and adore.

I felt resentment toward Jonah in the beginning as well, for changing and altering my life so much from that of an individual to that of a Mother. I got over it, and look what it turned into. The most beautiful thing I could have ever imagined. That little boy changed me in a way I never knew possible. He teaches me something new every, single day and I am ever so proud of him and his accomplishments and achievements, but mostly for just be WHO HE IS. Even before all of this, I would get all teary-eyed just b hearing him say "Thank You" or being able to point out the picture of a kitty in a book. It's those little things that make me fall in love with him over and over and over again.

And now we have Lily. The journey begins all over again. But even though everyone says that this is harder on me than it is him (and I am beginning to completely agree with them), the thing is, it still is extremely hard and complicated and deafening to my soul. I know all of the love I feel for Jonah will come in time with Lily, I know that! It;s like I have these 2 intense feelings in my heart and my head right now. That of the depression I am facing and that of the reality.

The depression is real and hurtful and heartbreaking. I feel it in my bones and my eyes and fingers and every other piece of my body. And then there is the reality. That logical voice in my brain saying "Jen, you know this will pass. It has before. It will again. And millions of mother's out there have more than one child and they survive. And the kids grow up loving each other and their parents, and life is good."

How can I possibly be thinking BOTH of those things, but have such a hard time believing the one that makes more sense?

So, as I continue to go with the motions. With daily highs and lows and a in-betweens, I watch you all go on with your livesm and think to myself "How is it no one else is going through what I am going through?" I blankly watch TV, or stare out the window as the cars go by, or more importantly, watch my husband and son interact, just like they always have, and wonder to myself, "How can they possibly go on like nothing has changed?"

I WANT TO GO ON LIKE NOTHING HAS CHANGED!

I am not asking for pity. I am not even expecting anyone to really care about all of this. I just needed to get it out. And even though I am placing it in a public forum, for all to read and see and ridicule, I felt the need to share. Because right now, maybe someone out there reading this had been there, and can offer some well-meaning advice. Or maybe in the future, when this is all over, some other Mother will be going through the exact same thing, and stumble upon this post, and see that she too, is not alone and has someone to contact for support as many of you have done for me.

And to all of you in my Mommy Blogoshpere that have come to my rescue, I know I have not been able to thank individually via Twitter or email, but I want you to know that every word of encouragement I have received from you has made a difference. Those kind words have gotten me through each moment I spoke of. And I know you will always be there. Thank you.