Monday, August 20, 2012

night-time drives

My work schedule has been pretty hectic lately, and I unfortunately anticipate it only getting worse as the school year gets in full swing this week. I am often working 13-14 hour days, leaving after breakfast and not returning home until long after the entire family has gone to bed. I am lucky though, because I only have to go in to work 2-3 times per week, and I can basically make my own schedule. And since I work about 30 minutes away, with my route taking me down a long stretch of highway, I spend lots of time thinking....mostly at night, when much of the world is at home or in bed already. And for some reason, it's those lonely night-time drives that give me clarity and allow me to focus on those thoughts that I bury deep down and try to forget.
My latest thoughts have revolved around my 5 year old going off to kindergarten. I'm not ready. I want to keep holding him close and spending each and every day with him. I find myself wondering if it
s too late to homeschool him. I worry how he will react to the full day away....every day. Will he know where to go? Will the other kids make fun of him? Will he behave well? Will he like it?
But I suppose what I really think about, is how will "I" handle it? I have had him home with me every. single. day. And as much as I am cursing by the end of the day when he didn't nap, or when he is throwing a temper tantrum, or he has made a huge mess.......having him here has always been my comfort.
I absolutely suck at being home alone. I mean, I worked full-time up until the day he was born! And I know, I won't be alone, Lily will be here with me. But he's my first. He's my boy. It'll just be different.
And yes, I have been waiting for this time. The quality alone time that Lily and I will be having, since we never had it before. I'm sure it will give us the opportunity to form an even closer, more solid bond than ever before.
But those car rides.....force me to think, and ponder, and dwell, and cry. I know it will be okay. But it will never be the same. It will be a new normal. It will be so good for him, he will love it.
Me? On the other's gonna take some getting used to.

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