sunshine

It's like going through the motions while being switched on to auto-pilot. Being a Mom shouldn't be like this. I should be enjoying each and every single day I have with my precious little ones. I shouldn't be wondering how it is I will get through the day or anxiously awaiting the next time the kids will be asleep. I shouldn't be cringing every time I am stuck watching Sprout or Nick Jr. I shouldn't be tossing yet another video game at them in the attempt to keep them entertained so I can lay on the couch, aimlessly twittering or other equally useless things. My motivation is at nearly zero, writing this post is even a struggle for me. A struggle to think of something other than empty words, a struggle to type the words, or even get to my web page all together.

It's not laziness. It's not sadness. It's this thing that comes over me. I can't even name "that thing". It's not my normal anxiety. It's weird because my normal anxiety keeps me active and on edge, constantly thinking of what needs to get done. It makes me crazy. It makes me busy.

But now, it's just the opposite. It takes all my energy to clean up the house. It takes everything in me to get the kids dressed before noon. It takes all the teeny-tiny bit of energy I can muster up to make them lunch or pour them a glass of juice or change a diaper or remind to go potty.

I'm not even funny anymore. I used to be funny. And fun to be around. At least my kids think so.

I have rational thoughts in the midst of non-rational ones, kind of like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Simultaneous talking and bickering about which is "right" and which is "easier". Lately "easier" often wins, which turns me into a crappy mom. Giving in to whatever the kids want, just to keep them appeased. That's not what a good mom does. A good mom says "no" and a good mom disciplines, right along with being present and active and involved. I am none of those. None at all. I kinda suck. A lot.

I need some sunshine. And playgrounds. And picnics. And walks around the block. And sandboxes.

But mostly, it's the sunshine i need. Not only in the sky, but in my head, and in my heart.