Saturday, January 22, 2011

i am certain, it is worse than many of you believe....

It tears me down, and it is so hard to imagine that i am able to get built back up again. My entire being is crushed and stepped on. I can't move. I can't think. It all becomes cloudy and gray. I can't find a solution. I can't shake it off. I can't see the good. I can't move on.

These last few months have been testing my strength, my courage, my hope.

Lily has been sick for what seems like an eternity, but in reality is numerous times over the last two months. It's just one sickness after another with her. And throw in the tests we had to take her to get done at Riley Children's Hospital in Indy this week....well, it's been enough to make me want to find a very high cliff.

I made confessions on Twitter tonight. Ones that are so true and real and ARE my life that I wanted to share many of those 140 character plea's and statement's here to you too....

~ wanting to blog, but so much to say that i don't know where to start. it's like i have been living in an alternate universe for weeks

~Trying to dose off in the rocking chair in Lil's room. Tough to sleep with all this coughing she's doing. ;-(

~With every cough, my heart breaks a little more. Soon I will be left with a shattered heart. :-(

~ I admit. I worry too much. I obsess too much. I can't control it. I wish I were normal. I wish it weren't so hard.

~ I think of all of you, that don't allow things (like your kids night time cough) completely consume you. Those of you able to move on.

~ I can't. I hang on her every cough. Every breath. Every movement. I hover over her, thinking of solutions and worrying the absolute worst.

~ I don't sleep. I just sit or lay near her. When I doze off, I awake at the next cough. Eyes wide open, "is she breathing? Is she choking?"

~ And I document it all. You'd think I were nuts. You'd think I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You would be correct.


JessieLeigh said...

My 2nd child was born four months early. She weighed 1 lb 5 oz and was at Riley for 3 1/2 months. We were so happy to get to bring her home but then.... anytime she caught a cold, it was cause for major concern. I fretted. I had a stethoscope I would use to listen to her lungs. (This gave me great comfort, by the way, and I don't think it's a bad idea.) It's so hard to worry about your child, to want so badly to weather the illness for her. My only gentle reminder- and I'm sure you already know this- is that she needs a healthy, rested mama too. Be sure to take care of yourself so that you can take care of her.

Jen said...

Oh, mama! I know what you bigs have grown out of some of it and my almost 3 yo is pretty healthy. But when my bigs were little, like ages 5,3 & 1 January through March I swear I was at the clinic 1-2 times a week for one or more of them...It is hard.

Since Christmas my 4 kids (and hubs & I) have all been sick on and off.

It will pass. Praying for some peaceful sleep and less coughing.


moosh in indy. said...

I have had my overwhelming moments of worry, yes. I have watched a friend lose her baby to a cough.

I can't pretend to know exactly what you're going through, but I can assure you that I am here and I know for a fact that you're not alone in your confessions.

Dakotapam said...

Coughing babies can be scary. My twin b was brin with a web over her trachea. It ws resolved shortly after her birth, and yet, Evy time she coughs I lucite her airway closing up. Hugs.

MamaRobinJ said...

I can't imagine how hard that must be and yet at the same time I can sort of relate to how you're feeling. Happy, healthy thoughts to you.

Anonymous said...

I live in Zionsville. It is past midnight. My 4 month old is asleep in my arms, coughing. I have been on my phone simce it rsv, croup, , pertussis...she is breathing too fast, what am I missing, what if? She has been to the er, urgent care and the peds. It is a bad cold on top of a bad cold. Cannot relax. Will worry all night. Daylight will bring slight relief. Angry at dear husband for being fast asleep. I too suffer from OCD. It takes its form in worry over my kids. Illness sends me over.
Thoughts from your fellow hoosier.

Sailor and Co said...

My 2 month old is also sick :( He is on nebs, inhalers, etc. It is super scary. I feel your pain totally. :(

Samantha said...

The anxiety is so tough and all consuming and it doesn't matter if you tell yourself it's rational or not. I hope you both get some sleep tonight.