Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Wishing, Waiting, Hoping

I took that title from a song by one of my favorite artist's and super cool guy, Todd Carey. Now, not that the songs has anything to do with this post, I just wanted to give him a plug because he is an amazing singer/songwriter and a really nice guy.

Okay, well where I was going with this was I find myself sitting doing a lot of this lately...wishing...waiting...hoping. I do this while sitting in Lily's room on a quiet early morning. I find myself doing this as I stop what I am doing and just gaze blankly into the distance. I find myself doing this as I drive down the street, or lay in bed, or relax in the bath. I find myself mostly waiting...waiting for Lily. Waiting to be the mama to a precious, sweet, amazing little girl. And I recall doing this with Jonah, and feeling absolutely surreal as I imagined sitting in that exact rocking chair, waiting for him....and hoping that I would be a good mom to him. Hoping that I would be good enough for him. And now, I can say, I am not. I will never be good enough for him. He deserves more, but don't we all think that. I feel a constant twinge of guilt, thinking I could always be better. I strive to be better for him, and I strive to be better for Lily, and for their future.

Now this isn't a pity post. I'm not going there at all. At least not today.

I touch my belly, I talk to her in a sweet, low voice. I tell her I love her and can't wait to meet her and hold her close and never let her go. I tell her she will be half of my entire world. The half I have been saving just for her, but didn't know it until recently. She and I were always meant to be, it was in the plans long before I was ever on this earth. I was meant to be her mother, and I cannot wait to have her here.

1 comment:

Nili said...

Wonderful post, I find myself doing the same thing and thinking the same thoughts as I wait for Alexa to arrive.