Sunday, December 16, 2007

The circle of life

This past week/weekend has been a whirlwind of craziness, and personally, I am SO GLAD it is over. I am ready to start new and fresh, and hopefully dispose of the stress it forced upon me.

First off, and most importantly, the life and death that hit our lives this week was pretty intense. I found out a good friend of mine's father passed away, leaving me with this unexplainable feeling in the pit of my stomach. On the same day I found out about that, my other good friend went into labor. The circle of life I tell you. I've heard this somewhere before...With death comes rebirth. I'm not sure where or in what context, but it seems pretty profound right now.

You see, death is a hard thing for me to face, particularly when it happens to someone I care about. I have found myself shying away from truly addressing it, or even attempting to comprehend it. The first time I remember doing this was at the death of my Grandmother. We had this vacation/business trip planned for over a year, and the day before we were supposed to board the plane and head off to Florida, my Grandma died. The worst part, I didn't stay home. I convinced myself that if I were at home, there would be nothing I could do about it. Ever since that day, I have been carrying around this guilt. Guilt about not being there for my family. Guilt about not facing the fact that a very important person in my life was no longer with us. Guilt because I put myself first. Guilt because I handled it all wrong. And as my friend was dealing with the loss of her dad, I attempted to shy away from it as well. I didn't know what to say and I had a hard time being with her at the funeral home. I felt like I should have handled it differently. I should have said something more sincere or loving. Instead, I used my son as amusement, to make her smile. It worked, but that guilt, of not handling it better, or being more comforting, still the pit of my stomach.

And then there is the birth of the little princess of our clan. She looks absolutely amazingly beautiful and I cannot wait to meet her! I feel like I haven't been there for her either though. But on a whole 'nother level.

Besides the circle of life that jumped in our laps this week, I also had MANY parties and get-togethers to attend, and now having a baby boy to worry about, it made these events even more work and not nearly as enjoyable. Not to mention that I am tired pretty much all of the time. Exhaustion does not do well for a social life. And the baby being tossed around and ripped from his normal napping schedule really took a toll on him. Luckily, and one good aspect of today's snow storm (we'll get to that next!), was that he got to take a really great 3 1/2 hour nap at grandma's today. He needed it, and I am glad we were somewhere low-key and relaxing, like Todd's parents house. Jonah is always in such a great mood when he is there. I am so lucky to have the in-law's I have (and I'm not just saying that because I know you're reading this ;-)!).

So tonight, after what felt like 10 feet of snow and hours worth of digging ourselves out, we are home. Snuggling up in the coziness of our familiar surroundings. Jonah was happy to be told that the commitments are now over for a little while. And mama is happy to be able to stay home tomorrow, and just relax. Personally, and you MAY quote me on this..."Next year will be different. I will not spread myself and my family too thin. I will not say yes to every invitation. I will put my family first. I will not allow the stress of the season consume me."

And hopefully, by this time next year...I will actually believe it.


Carrington said...

I think its hard for anyone to deal with death. Its so crazy how it is the one thing that connects us all, but it feels so strange when it happens. I think you should surrender your guilt and know that people totally understand, especially your friends. I am glad you were able to shovel your way home! I hope all the sick boys in your house feel better!

Life With All Boys said...

The circle of life is a weird thing sometimes. At the EXACT moment I took a pregnancy test finding out I was pregnant with Carter, my MIL's close friend died of breast cancer. Two years later on the EXACT day (Oct. 21st) one of my closest friends found out she is pregnant.