Thursday, December 13, 2007

Why. Anger. God.

Lately I have felt this twinge of anger eating away at me and I really can't figure out what is the underlying cause. I have a few ideas, but none of them seem like they are the 100% reason I am feeling this way. Maybe it is a combination of two or more of these reasons, and together, they team up and cause this bitterness inside of me.

Could it be that I am upset that we haven't been attending church regularly? Could it be how much I want to read the Bible, but keep putting it off because it intimidates me? Could it be the stress of the upcoming holidays? Could it be the fact that my part-time job is full of drama and gossip? Could it be that I wish to be a better person than I currently am?

After reading those questions, I truly believe it is a combination of them all. With Jonah being sick, we haven't been able to go to church every Sunday. And i LOVE going to church. I feel like I have found something that makes me feel more warm and fuzzy inside than anything else does. I long to be there, feeling God's presence and soaking in all of the experiences that go on in that wonderful place. Personally, I wish i could go to church every single day. And i so wish i could force myself to just dive in to reading the Bible. I really want to get started, but I feel like I don't know where to begin (i know, i know...start at the beginning). I think I fear that I will get confused or lost or not understand what it says so instead of feeling stupid, I just shy away from it, and consume myself with christian music (like Chris Tomlin and Jeremy Riddle) and (my new found favorite things) Nooma DVD's. I continue to learn, by I thirst and hunger for more.

Ah, the holidays. They are supposed to be happy times. Times with family and friends and food and togetherness and presents. Oh....the presents. This is something I am personally struggling with, not to mention how much a person's financial situation flips upside down once you have a child. This Christmas we decided to go "less-is-more". We are giving gifts that are far more meaningful, as well as less extravagant. We even sorta changed up how the cousins (Jonah and his cousins that is) celebrate with each other. We decided to start a tradition with them. Instead of toys or clothes, the are giving each other the gift of a book. I can't wait until Jonah is old enough to pick out his favorite book of the year, so he can then give it to his cousins each Christmas. You can never go wrong with books. And since the kids are all so close in ages, they will all enjoy each others favorites. But the time....the time we have to spend in all of the various places makes me crazy! Parties and get togethers and separate functions all over the place. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with everyone (not to mention showing off our amazing son!), it's just so many commitments and so little time.

And work. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I have a pretty great job. Not too demanding (particularly this time of year), but working with teenage girls for over 10 years has taken a toll on me. Their drama and gossip and "she-said-this" mentality is crazy. I know I was once like that (weren't we all?), but come on...I'm over it. Unfortunately, I still need to work a few days a week so we can make ends meet. Hopefully, one day in the future, my income will not be as imperative and I will be able to stay home and raise Jonah and our future children.

Well, as I sit and meditate on these things that I think are breaking me down, I feel this strength inside of me welling up. It's going to be okay.

The coolest thing is I discovered the blog of the Pastor of our church, Kevin Galloway. He seriously is an amazing Pastor, you should check out Countryside sometime, you'd love it. But anyways, on his website, he has links to other sites. One I found particularly helpful and encouraging is that of the ministry of John Piper. I found a great article on anger called Kill Anger Before it Kills You or Your Marriage, and it put things in a whole new perspective for me. It really opened my eyes to just how much God is in EVERYTHING! You should read it, it's really great.

1 comment:

The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

Well, One of these days we're gonna meet, since we hang with same awesome mama's (Steph and Ashlee). Hopefully sooner than later, I'll be moving there! If you have any bible questions, feel free to email me..if I don't know the answer, my hubby will. I'd suggest starting at the book of John.

I love the book idea! What a great tradition to start! Books are wonderful!