Revert and Retract

The sun shines brightly through the slats of the blinds in my bedroom. I sit. Nearly upright, with a congested & coughing 2yo girl on my chest. I breath in rhythm with her. I sometimes count the breaths, decipher the sounds of them, the length, the depths. A few large bath towels are always within reach in situations like this. I have caught more phlegm/puke in the last week or so then I have ever, in all my 4+ years of being a mom. And this is 'normal' for lily. Heck, maybe this is normal for some other kids out there. But this is certainly foreign territory to me. It's anxiety ridden, poison for my brain.

It's times like this I revert and retract, from life, from love, from everyone and everything....except her. And sometimes, my diseased mind thinks horrible things like "it was so much easier before I was a mom" or "I miss being able to worry only about myself". Running away is so tempting, yet not an option. I would never abandon her. Even though giving up sounds so tempting sometimes.

Would I change my life? Hell, no. I'd like a healthier child, that's for sure. But her conditions come with the territory of being a mom, of being HER mom.

I try my best. I try to be strong and calm and in control. I try to go on with every day life. I try to trust and have faith and believe the doctor's. I try to not doubt. To not doubt the doctors and not doubt myself. Because doubt gets me nowhere....or atleast not anywhere good. It rips up my sole, more than usual. My strength is stripped of me in these moments and no matter how hard I try to revive it, I simply am lost.

But this? I am this way over this? This is going to be ok. And yes, she may (WILL) get sick again shortly after she gets well. But how many kids a d parents out there are living tougher, harder, more challenging lives? Or fighting for there's? And I am a mess over a cold/cough/bronchitis.

I have a love/hate relationship with myself and my ever messy mind. I love how much I care and fear and stress. Because I feel like I am observant enough to see everything going on that I can. But damn, I hate me too. Because why is it so damn hard? Hard on me, but mostly...hard on her? Why us? And what do I have to do to make it all better? I'll do it. Anything. Anywhere . Anytime.