Friday, April 30, 2010

Heart vs Head

I am the first to admit that Aaron Kelly on this season's American Idol is (and has been from the beginning) one of my least favorite contestant's. Now that I think of it, it's more of a 16/17 year old thing, I have never liked the youngin's on Idol. Pretty much, ever.

BUT, tonight, as I watched last night's episode, even after I already knew who got sent home (my NEXT least favorite contestant). I like to see the performances, and I was particularly interested in Casey's, since Kara oogled over it so much. (It was good, but not that good.)

I got to Aaron Kelly, and he sang Shania Twain's song; "You've Got a Way" and it for some reason moved me, emotionally. It made me think of being a parent; a mommy in particular. It probably had a lot to do with THIS POST by Megan at Velveteen Mind and the combination of the post with the song. It made me think about my daily reaction's to my kid's, particularly having to do with the middle of the night and them (particularly Lily) waking up.

I am utterly torn. Because when Lily wakes up and cries out, i WANT to go get her, but my brain and my heart get into a fist fight. The thing is, both powers are equal. Some night's I ACHE to go and get her and bring her to bed with me; or to go rock her back to sleep. That's my heart speaking if you couldn't tell. Then there is my brain jumping in saying "But if you do it once, you will screw up all the hard word you put into getting her to sleep all night long. All the tears, both hers and yours." Which is true too.

And the thing is, I can't go and do whatever I feel at any given moment; because I always try to keep myself one step ahead; fully prepared. So my mind wanders and analyzes and thinks.....lots.

So on one hand; when I am not listening to some sappy song or reading some utterly beautiful blog post by a fellow over worked mommy, I stick to the task at hand, which is to "let her cry. she'll go back to sleep on her own. if i bring her in here or go check on her, i will create a monster, who will never sleep by herself."

But when i AM listening to some sappy love song and when i AM reading some utterly beautiful blog post my heart yearns to have her in my arms, where I can comfort and cuddle her and snuggle her close. And the thoughts of "sleep training" go out the door.

It's so easy to feel guilty as a mother, and this situation is prime example of the way a mother's heart is torn when it comes to knowing what would be better for the baby, as well as for the mother.

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