no more

My heart aches for a fellow blogger, a friend, a one time neighbor......

She lost her sweet, precious baby girl a few days ago, her heart is in pieces right now, but so many people, in real life and on the internet are with her, holding her up and praying for and with her......

And in the midst of her pain, I feel utter guilt.

I went through some tough times, my pregnancies weren't easy, and I often felt the urge to give up. I felt like I couldn't do it, or that I had it hard. And I did. But not like this, and not like her.

As I read her posts and heard the pain that she was going through, I too held a pain. But my pain is that of shame and guilt and embarassment and selfishness. But mostly guilt.

I often think my days are hard and challenging and I often complain.

I will attempt to complain no more. To cherish these days and the moments and events that I get to have.

Because even on my very worst day, I am NOW thinking to myself, "Atleast I get a worst day....", because it could be even worse....so much more worse.

These kids that make me want to rip my hair out are atleast here to make me feel something.

I couldn't imagine them not being here.

Arianne, I am so completely and utterly sorry for your loss. I can't even say I know how you feel and there aren't words available that I could possibly say to make it any better. Just know I am thinking of you and Jacob and your whole family.