Sunday, June 7, 2009

What This Mama Needs

I often blog about the daily happenings of our household. Such as, the way my heart hurts when thinking of my baby girl growing up so fast, or the sleep issues regarding the kids, or sometimes just to show off the grin and laughter coming from the cutest 3 month old I know. Sometimes you'll even see the wasted posts I write regarding random things, but hey, those posts help pay the bills, so you'll just have to deal (no matter how much you and I both hate seeing them on this blog). But lately, I seem to be leaving out "Me" and what I have been feeling in my heart and in my head these days. And the struggle of being a Mother. Becoming a Mom to Two instead of a Mom to One resulted in a change in me that I didn't know existed. And at first, I wasn't quite sure I was cut out for all this. The extreme whirlwind that is a direct result of the shift from have one child to having more. My time was immediately divided and no longer focused soley on Jonah. The thing is, I knew no other way. I didn't know how to fit this needy, demanding, and sassy little being into a life I hjad become so accustomed to. You see, I am a creature of habit and someone who HATES change, like with a fiery passion. And those 2-3 days in the hopital before returning home to a completely different life are not near enough time to let the adjustment sink in.
It was so overwhelming, and some days, it still is. But I have grown immensely in the idea that not everyday is going to be as predicatable as it once was. I have learned to cherish the little things (like a hot shower or the rare times they are both sleeping at the same time or the power of a few hours one day a week of the help of a Nanny). I no longer think of myself; and all of my actions now revolve around what is best for the kids, not best for me. Yes, I am doing what so many mother's do, and I am putting myself last on that list called Life.
Something I have to say I miss ever so much is my "Friend Time". There was a time when I hung out on a regular basis with a really awesome group of Mommy Friends. We went out to dinner a few times, a really cool Chicago party, and met at the park for weekly playdates for an entire summer. Those were the best times of my life as a Mom. Those were the times that I could relish in the fact that I was a Mama, without having to actually "BE" a Mama at that given moment. I was surrounded by like minded people, who actually liked to hear stories about my kid(s) (well, at the time I only had Jonah). It was a time that fulfilled me in a way that nothing else has come close to making me feel recently. It made my heart feel good and satisfied my NEED for what I call Mama-Friends. They were good influences on me, and made me a better person, a better wife, and a better mom.
A variety of circumstances have lead me to fall away, and I blame myself mostly. Because when I got pregnant with Lily, it was total yuckiness all over again. I never left the house, except to work, since I was so sick. I had to turn down a number of invites and I think the Mama's just got tired of me saying "No". I just really want to get out again, and hang out with these amazing Mama's more often, because I miss them dearly, oh so much. And I need them, probably more than they know.
I have stuck close to a few Mama's, and it's been great to have them to lean on in tough times and laugh with when things are great. They know who they are, and i am so deeply indebted to them for getting me through the tough times, with tears, and laughter, and hugs, and encouragment. I just want to see them, all of them, on a regular basis, and even though leaving Lily is tough, and bringing her with is sometimes even "tough-er", I want to make it work, because my heart is empty without my Girls! I need my tribe, I need them to make my heart feel full again.


Together We Save said...

It is so hard to find time for friends when you have a new baby or even kids. I still struggle with it and mine are 16, 15, and 11. I hope you find sometime to get your girls back in your life.

Not Just Any Jen said...

Hey Jen, I haven;t "blogged" in a while and I decided to stop in. I really hear you on this one! Things have changed and I have to say, having a group, even just to email for love/advice was so nice. I miss it too.