Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tomorrow is a new day

I have just found a few moments to myself. Daddy is upstairs in bed. Jonah is asleep and has been since 7pm. Baby Girl Lily has been so good today. She slept a lot while we had company over and has continued to sleep well since they left. Really only waking to sleep and occasionally giggle and smile at me. She is now asleep in her car seat. Someone suggested it, since she sleeps pretty good in the car. It was a phenomenal suggsetions, because it is working. I think it has something to do with the snugness of it and how it makes her feel cozy. This is literally one of the first times since her first week or two home that she has slept more than an hour or so NOT in MY arms. And when I say MY arms, I mean it. This girl knows me pretty well already, and won't settle for just "anyone" holding her. It's gotta be mama. And you know what, it makes me feel good. Since her and I havent bonded as well as Jonah and I did in the early days, I was feeling slightly guilty. Well, not even slightly...but REALLY guilty.
This baby/mama relationship hasn't been as smooth as I would like it to be. The transition from one child to two is that of great challenge. A challenge I have struggled with and fought through day in and day our since the day she was born. If I wasn't feeling guilty about not showing Jonah enough attention, it was the other way around. Or I was feeling guilty that I would give in to giving Jonah chocolate at 9 o'clock in the morning, because I just plain didn't have the energy to fight him. Or I was feeling guilty that Lily would be screaming because I had to put her down for a few minutes in order to get Jonah's diaper changed and out of his pajamas. And mostly, feeling guilty about feeling like a complete and total failure and not being able to succeed with breastfeeding.
I want to release all of this guilt, and start anew. I want to ENJOY these days with my baby's, because these are days that I will never get back. Days that are flying by, just as I sometimes wish they will, but days I will be longing so deeply for long past their 3rd, 4th, and 5th birthdays. I don't want to regret wishing these days away any longer.
Tomorrow is a new day. A brighter day. A day I will try my hardest to make special and unique and remarkable. I don't want to forget a single moment of this time of my life. It is hard and complicated and challenging, but it is shaping and molding our family and our relationships in to what the will be for the rest of our lives. Frankly, I just don't want to screw this up. I won't allow myself. My kids are counting on me, and I have to be the very best I can be....if not for myself, especially for them.


Lynette3boys said...

Keep doing what you know is best and you will succeed - sounds like you're doing a great job so far. And isn't mommy guilt the worst?

(BTW - I got my MK stuff last week - Thanks!)

Together We Save said...

Mommy guilt is tough and so is the transition from one to two kids. Keep on working at it. You are doing great I am sure.

Heaven Sent said...

We've twittered a bit, but I want you to know I felt the same exact way when Kendall entered our lives. Failure was a word I struggled with daily...on all levels, and even now, I try hard to ignore the voice. But you are right, tomorrow is a new day and even if it isn't a perfect day, it's all about perspective. And doing the best you can, and accepting that that is indeed enough. Just know you are not alone, that it IS hard, and that your little ones love you no matter what!