Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Zen Day.

Today, I am having a Zen day. It's one of those days where I just feel content and happy and
reflective. Nothing is really getting me down today. And somehow I am starting to see things and feel things in a different way. I read this article in the newest Parenting magazine that I got in the mail yesterday. The article is called "The Truth About Bonding" and it really made me feel okay about some of the past feelings I have had towards mommyhood. You see, I did not accept being pregnant as easy as most woman in my situation. I had a loving husband, a new home on the way, amazing parents and in-laws. It was really the next logical step in my life. And once Jonah was born, I didn't feel those "so-in-love"moments all the time. There were times (and still are) when I cannot wait for Daddy to get home, so I can run off and have some "Me" time. I felt like a stranger to this little baby, and worse off...I always felt like he secretly hated me. I always felt like everything I did was wrong and that being a Mommy just wasn't for me. Worse off, the guilt! Oh the guilt! When I would freak out and bolt the moment Todd got home, I could only stay away for a minute. I felt like I was not being the Mommy I was supposed to be. Now, I am not saying this article I read changed my life, but it IS pretty good. It made me feel okay about those past feelings. And of course, and I am not ashamed to admit it, I am so grateful for my anti-anxiety medicine that is amazing and keeps me (what I call) normal. But really, what is normal anyhow? Well, whatever normal is, I'm okay with where I am now.


Anonymous said...

I think it's good that while you have these feelings, you're able to acknowledge many women float around in denial instead of getting help. Now I'm wondering where my Parent's mag is??!!! haha. I also want to mention that I didn't feel an instant bond to my firstborn..I think it's because I was too young and not totally ready, not sure...but our bond didn't form until she was about 3 years old. Now she's 11 and probably won't make it to her teen years...SHE'S DRIVING ME INSANE!! Hormones...ugh.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I love those Zen days. And that picture is precious.


To Think is to Create said...

Oh what a sweet photo! I had a hard time bonding with Charlie at first too, and totally had those days and nights when I would hand him off and couldn't even be in the same room with him. Each child is different, and some kids have what I call the "weight of the world" on their shoulders. Jonah was effortless to bond to, because he reciprocates all this love.

Those zen days are perfect, something to be cherished.

Carrington said...

What a sweet photo! Enjoy those zen days. I love how honest you are, because so many women go through the same stuff. Thanks for sharing!

mom on a mission said...

I give you major props for being so honest. So many women just hide those feelings to others and then we all wonder why we can't have it "all together" like so and so, when they totally don't either!! In my opinion, my first child was the hardest on me. Every aspect of my life changed and all the "me" time I once new was ALL GONE. It was quite an adjustment.