night-time drives

My work schedule has been pretty hectic lately, and I unfortunately anticipate it only getting worse as the school year gets in full swing this week. I am often working 13-14 hour days, leaving after breakfast and not returning home until long after the entire family has gone to bed. I am lucky though, because I only have to go in to work 2-3 times per week, and I can basically make my own schedule. And since I work about 30 minutes away, with my route taking me down a long stretch of highway, I spend lots of time thinking....mostly at night, when much of the world is at home or in bed already. And for some reason, it's those lonely night-time drives that give me clarity and allow me to focus on those thoughts that I bury deep down and try to forget.
My latest thoughts have revolved around my 5 year old going off to kindergarten. I'm not ready. I want to keep holding him close and spending each and every day with him. I find myself wondering if it
s too late to homeschool him. I worry how he will react to the full day away....every day. Will he know where to go? Will the other kids make fun of him? Will he behave well? Will he like it?
But I suppose what I really think about, is how will "I" handle it? I have had him home with me every. single. day. And as much as I am cursing by the end of the day when he didn't nap, or when he is throwing a temper tantrum, or he has made a huge mess.......having him here has always been my comfort.
I absolutely suck at being home alone. I mean, I worked full-time up until the day he was born! And I know, I won't be alone, Lily will be here with me. But he's my first. He's my boy. It'll just be different.
And yes, I have been waiting for this time. The quality alone time that Lily and I will be having, since we never had it before. I'm sure it will give us the opportunity to form an even closer, more solid bond than ever before.
But those car rides.....force me to think, and ponder, and dwell, and cry. I know it will be okay. But it will never be the same. It will be a new normal. It will be so good for him, he will love it.
Me? On the other hand.....it's gonna take some getting used to.

sunshine

It's like going through the motions while being switched on to auto-pilot. Being a Mom shouldn't be like this. I should be enjoying each and every single day I have with my precious little ones. I shouldn't be wondering how it is I will get through the day or anxiously awaiting the next time the kids will be asleep. I shouldn't be cringing every time I am stuck watching Sprout or Nick Jr. I shouldn't be tossing yet another video game at them in the attempt to keep them entertained so I can lay on the couch, aimlessly twittering or other equally useless things. My motivation is at nearly zero, writing this post is even a struggle for me. A struggle to think of something other than empty words, a struggle to type the words, or even get to my web page all together.

It's not laziness. It's not sadness. It's this thing that comes over me. I can't even name "that thing". It's not my normal anxiety. It's weird because my normal anxiety keeps me active and on edge, constantly thinking of what needs to get done. It makes me crazy. It makes me busy.

But now, it's just the opposite. It takes all my energy to clean up the house. It takes everything in me to get the kids dressed before noon. It takes all the teeny-tiny bit of energy I can muster up to make them lunch or pour them a glass of juice or change a diaper or remind to go potty.

I'm not even funny anymore. I used to be funny. And fun to be around. At least my kids think so.

I have rational thoughts in the midst of non-rational ones, kind of like the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Simultaneous talking and bickering about which is "right" and which is "easier". Lately "easier" often wins, which turns me into a crappy mom. Giving in to whatever the kids want, just to keep them appeased. That's not what a good mom does. A good mom says "no" and a good mom disciplines, right along with being present and active and involved. I am none of those. None at all. I kinda suck. A lot.

I need some sunshine. And playgrounds. And picnics. And walks around the block. And sandboxes.

But mostly, it's the sunshine i need. Not only in the sky, but in my head, and in my heart.

time

I took a risk here when taking this picture, but I couldn't help myself (not to mention with the handy flash on my iPhone4, it now makes pictures like this possible!). Her cuteness, and grown-up-ness, and adorable-ness just seep from her every pore.

I have been re-vamping our sleep issues in this house. Well, Jonah is still.....Jonah.

He'd rather goof off and jump around and be silly, rather than go to sleep. He just fights it and fights it. And he won't go to sleep alone (but we are working on it), and still wakes up in the night (but this week, he actually slept through the night TWO nights, this is HUGE), and fights tooth and nail at bedtime.

We have our hands full.

So with Lily, the problem is she is just too darn big and heavy to rock to sleep anymore. In addition to her weight, she is also VERY squirming. She literally flips and turns all over the place and around in circles on your lap. It is uncomfortable for both her and I. So I finally decided I would try to lay her in her crib, and I would sit next to her crib, soothing and touching her until she fell asleep. The first night was torture, but only because she thought it was a game. I think I said "lay down!" 25 times! But within about 45 minutes, she was asleep.

And as each night progressed I would try to move a little further from her, inching my way to the door. Honestly, she hasn't seemed to care. And I am loving it, because each night, it takes less and less time for her to fall asleep. Actually, its been abotu a week, and tonight, I sat next to her bedroom door. She was asleep in less than 10 minutes.

Now, she will still wake up in the middle of the night, and I will still go get her and bring her to bed with me. But Baby Steps right? Once I get the bedtime thing down, and I am able to leave the room, I am fairly certain I will be able to do something similar when (and IF) she wakes up in the middle of the night.

So, tonight. I win. MY heart is a little empty and sad, because I loved holding her, but I think we both knew it was time. She is growing up. I don't know what to think about that.

sparkly

Lily ~ on her "Birth" Day.

"Happy Birthday to you....."

Her 1st birthday is in 4 days, but her birthday party is tomorrow afternoon. We have been long planning her 'Oh So Sweet Ladybug" birthday party. The balloons have been bought. The cake has been decorated. The RSVP's have been rolling in. The details will be finished off in the morning. And I will dress her, in her ladybug dress, and add a few matching flower clips to her headband. She won't be wearing shoes, since I have still not found a shoe to fit her. There is SO MUCH to do still before her party. And the house is a mess. It didn't matter. These special, sparkly moments with my girl are priceless....and beyond words.

"Happy birthday to you....."

Her eyes started to droop. She whined instead of giggled. I held her ever so close tonight. We are wearing our matching Nick & Nora owl pajama's. Tonight we had a girl's night. We danced and sang and ate and played. She nestled into my arms. Got herself comfortable and situated.

"Happy Birthday dear Lily-kins....."

I told her I was so proud of how far we had come. And so happy we are a family. And so happy she is mine, all mine. And how my heart aches, knowing an entire year has almost past. I teared up a little bit. I sang her to sleep. I sang her 'Happy Birthday', over and over and over. Her eyes slowly closed. After the tenth time around, she was asleep. I held her in, so tight. Closed my eyes and just breathed her in. My lips touched her soft hand. I left them there. My heart yearns to have her with me at all times.

"Happy Birthday to You."

Blink.

Blink.

My eyes blink in so many ways, filled with so many emotions and feelings and moments.

Oh, those moments.

Moments that are happy. Moments that are sad. Moments that are exciting. Moments that are overwhelming. Moments that are precious. Moments that are joyful. Moments that are internal. Moments that are real. Moments that are funny. Moments that are the same moments.....

over
&
over
&
over.

Yet, feel so new again with each and every blink.

Blinks that are fast.....
Blinks that are slow....

With each blink, I feel each of these moments.....to then blink again and feel it again.

Then the last blink of the day. And I get to start it all over again the next day.

With another blink.

It Won't Be Like This for Long

"One day soon that little girl will be all grown up and gone...."

I never let Jonah cry. Not when he was a little bitty baby, not when he was a little older, and not now, at the age of 2. When I first became a mom, I never told myself that I was going to parent under the "attachment parenting" lifestyle, because frankly, I had never heard of it. But as my husband and I grew as parents, we quickly discovered that there were things we (atleast I did, maybe he just agreed cuz he knew it was important to me) felt very strongly about. And letting him cry was one of them.

With all the recent (why am i fooling myself, it's not so recent) attempts and trying to make Jonah sleep by himself, alone, all through the night, it had been lying heavily on my mind and my heart that I don't want to raise Lily to be such a bad sleeper too. So, I have been trying my best to lay her down while she is still awake, but really sleepy. I am trying not to get her too dependant on rocking and bouncing to sleep. I am trying to be completely silent and uncommunicative when she wakes up at night, so she knows nighttime is NOT playtime. I am trying not to respond to her whimpering right away (of course, I do go to her when she full out cries), the thing is, I am hoping not to spoil her. And I know, I know, you can't spoil a 10 week old baby, I've heard that before.

But I am starting to realize, that by laying her down so quickly after rocking her, and not interacting with her in the middle of the night and so on, that I am missing out (and she is too!) on those special moments that I remember and cherish so much from when Jonah was just a baby. Looking into his eyes by the light of the nightlight at 2am. Feeling and seeing how content he was after getting a clean diaper and a full belly, while the rest of the world was sleeping. By hearing the precious little lullabies softly play in the background as I rocked him to sleep (and quite often fell asleep in the rocking chair with him in my arms). And how just watching him sleep in my arms was enough to bring tears to my eyes (it still does).

Those are moments I will never get back, and will forever live in my heart. I don't want to miss out on these times with Lily, because I know I may later regret trying to do things the right way for everyone else, and not the right way for us.

I guess I am scared she will become too dependent on me to fall asleep, and we will have another horrible sleeper like Jonah on our hands.

But really, is it so bad that the kids need us there? It's not like Jonah is a messed up kid. He is quite normal for a two year old, and yes, he still wakes up in the middle of the night, and yes, he still needs Mommy or Daddy (yeah, he is taking well to me again) to fall back asleep. And yeah, it sucks to get woken up every single night and to have not slept a full night in over 2 years. And yeah it is draining and tiring and exhausting.

But you know what, I'm okay with that. Because we will never get these moments back. And if it takes sleeping in bed with Jonah for a few hours a night, all wrapped up in his cuddles and getting a chance to spend that quality time making him feel safe and warm and content, then so be it. And even if it keeps Todd and I from sleeping the entire night in the same bed, that's okay. We have the rest of our lives to be together. There will come a time when the kids no longer want us around, and they'll be all grown up and gone.

And we're gonna miss this.