Oh my heart...and my mind....

As I sit in the dark room, with only the light of my laptop to allow me to see enough to type, I begin to think more and more about becoming a Mom, again. It's in these wee hours of the morning (and sometimes night), when I have the time and energy to fully feel and dream and wonder and ponder. I am not scared of the labor, and being pregnant for me is an absolute pain, but completely tolerable. It is the feeling of failure. The failure that seems so matter-of-fact, like everyone must feel this. But for me, it seems more real than anything else. And it's not the little things, like how to dress a girl, or do her hair, or make her look cutesy. And it's got nothing to do with the fact that I feel as though I can mother a boy much better. It's actually got nothing to do with gender or materialistic issues at all. It's got to do with the fact that right now, I feel like I do it all.
I feel like I give 150% of myself, and still isn't quite good enough. I struggle through the every day tasks of being a part-time-work-out-of-the-house mom (which i hate) who doesn't get to spend enough time with her child and husband. I know I am only gone a few days a week, and maybe, even if I didn't work, it wouldn't really matter, because I would still always be preoccupied. There is always something to be done, so I feel stretched thin, where even though I am giving it my all, I am not giving my all in all the right places. Yes, I try to keep up on the house, with the laundry and the dishes and the cleaning, but I also try to keep up at my job, where I am always feeling that deep guilt in my gut, about not being at home with my boy. And then...I'm pregnant, and maybe that's where this all is coming from, the hormones and mood swings and grumpiness because I am so DARN uncomfortable that I just want to scream and cry, or BOTH.
And then I begin to think that I am nearly 31 weeks pregnant, ohmygoodness! She could be here in like a month...well, hopefully not...i mean, she could be here ANYTIME, but hopefully she waits it out long enough for all to go well. But nothing is done! Her room isn't ready (I mean, really I know she will never be in there anyways, but still..the fact that her room is in udder shambles scares me). I have only a handful of clothing for her, for two reasons. One, I can't seem to commit to buying anything, because I know I went overboard with Jonah and had WAY TOO MUCH at first, so I fear I will waste $$ on unnecessary things or things she will outgrow before I even get a chance to have her wear it. And two, it's not like the finances are overflowing here, so with what little money we've got, I am fearful of spending it on some cute outfit, when there are far more important things it needs to go towards. And I know I am not the only one feeling the economic crunch, we all are, and it sucks. The great thing is, I'm not picky...and not too much of a girly girl, so the basics are really all we need, and I am sure, somewhere down the road, be it Wal-Mart or the Goodwill, we will be able to find things that Lily will put to good use.
And while on the subject of Lily, I can't stop fretting over breastfeeding. I mean i REALLY want to do it, I mean REALLY. I can't stop thinking about it. But I of course have my fears. I fear that I won't produce enough, but from what I hear, that won't be a problem. Secondly, I need to work, it's a given. So how how will breastfeeding and having to work a part time job correlate? I know, I know...I will have to pump. But that poses another problem, because I don't have a pump, nor can we really afford one. And will she take the bottle? And when she takes the bottle, will she then refuse the breast? And am I prepared to be the sole provider of nourishment and comfort for her? You see, I have a pretty good hubby who is very helpful and who i know is going to feel very left out if/when I breastfeed Lily. And I am the kind of mama that sometimes needs a break, away from kids, and life, and stresses. But I know by breastfeeding, alone time isn't readily available. Am I prepared for something like that?
And how will Jonah feel? My gosh, this is the worst part...will he feel left out? I mean, he has been the center of our universe for nearly 2 years now...how is he going to feel when he is going to be forced to share that spotlight with a baby sister? My heart aches something fierce just thinking about how he is going to feel. And I feel torn in two directions. I feel selfish for putting Jonah first, I mean what kind of a mama am I to think of one child over the other? I'm sure things will be different after she is born, but I see his eyes, and I can't help but wonder how he will feel. Will he hate me? Will I lose that special bond that I have with him. I love him more than he will ever know, I love him in a way I never knew possible, I love him more than I can even imagine.
So here I sit, in the darkness of the morning, allowing mt mind to wander...waiting for the moment my little boy awakens, so I can be engulfed in a feeling other than guilt, and fear, and anxiety. My day will be filled with laughter and Barney and bubbles and coloring, some of my favorite things. And maybe, just for today, or tomorrow...I will ignore that pile of laundry, and spend those moments I would spend folding and hanging up and putting away instead being engulfed by HIM, my little guy. Because in the not so distant future, it won't be just me and him, and I don't want to miss out on this time, I want to be right in the moment, right now. The laundry can wait, however, he cannot, and should not. It's these little things that make up life, not the clean clothes or shiny floors or sparkling toilets, it's his smiles and laughs and giggles and hugs and kisses. That's what it's all about...that's what it's all about.

API I AM

When I met my amazing group of mama's I got well versed on slings and carriers real quickly (I should have known I when the friend I met first had a blog called "Adventures in Babywearing" lol). My first thought on getting a sling was due to convenience, I didn't really think about the advantages or benefits that Jonah might get as a result of it. He liked being carried around (what baby doesn't?!??!) so I really needed something to help keep him close, but let me have a free hand (or two!) to get the work around the house done. I bought myself an amazingly wonderful and beautiful sling and put it to use. It did the job, but Jonah wasn't a big fan at first. I was discouraged and I felt he was too old already to really like it. Over time though, he did come to enjoy it for the most part and the bond I felt holding him close was indescribable. To this day, we still use it time and time again, whether we are at home or out and about. (SShhhh...Daddy even wears him sometimes, but I don't know if that's something he wants everyone to know about...lol)

Not only was babywearing something all my new mama friends had in common, they also were (are!) some of the sweetest and kindest mother's to their children I have ever met! The way they talked to their kids and refrain from yelling at them when something went astray impressed me and the more research I did into "attachment parenting" the more I started to figure it all out. Yet, I felt discouraged (again) because I didn't fit into the "attachment parenting profile", I didn't breastfeed (I didn't know any better), I didn't babywear (near as much as other mama's), I didn't co-sleep (we do now!), I didn't make my own baby food (but did feed him the best food I could find), and I have a tendency to get frustrated when the little guy throws me a curve ball...so as much as I wanted to fit into that perfect mold of the mama's I admired, I felt I never could. All I knew was that I loved my child more than I knew was possible and I hug and kiss on him...a lot. And when I am outside of my tribe o' mama's, I don't see that as much as I'd like. Do I love on Jonah too much? No, I don't think that is possible.

Also, before I even knew these mama's I vowed to never smack/hit/spank my child, and never tell him "no!" without giving a valid explaination. Now, sometimes I do go astray and just say "no!" without telling him why, but for the most part I stick to my guns. If I get frustrated, I try my very best to not raise my voice, to remain calm, and understand that he is a little person, and not a robot that I can control. I give Jonah a lot more credit than I thought I ever would. I allow him to explore and challenge himself
The more research I have done, the more I begin to realize that these mama's aren't going to judge me. They aren't going to shun me from the club because of the reason's I am not their perfect twin in every single mama-way. These mama's are understanding, compassionate, patient women and not the type to outcast me because I thought breastfeeding was gross because I didn't know any better.

I came across this post over at API Speaks and it brought me that comfort. Therefore, I don't feel like an outcast anymore. I feel like I can proudly call myself a part of the AP group. I love my son and do many things that some mama's may not agree with, but at least within the AP Club, I feel understood and accepted and my judgements are verified. It's a good feeling to know that the decisions I have made for my son are okay, when so many people disagree (doctor's included). These women give me a sense of pride for allowing me to be a part of their group. They give me hope and support to be the very best mama I can be.