Long Road

This road hasn't been an easy one. Life continues to challenge me in ways that are hard to handle. But it seems as though I have come a long way from the past. It's not that it's any better or Lily's health has improved. But with each "cough" and each "illness" we make it through. And with each doctors appointment we make there is a glimpse of hope. But I am careful to not put too much investment into the doctors appointments. No one has been right in over two years. Everything they want us to try with her never works. And at the end of this, if there is an end to this, we may never know what causes her symptoms. Maybe this is "just how she handles being sick".

I know I can't control her health (I can control her "care", but not her actual health). I try to do my best with cleaning and hand washing and general hygiene, but any mother knows that that kind of behavior only gets you so far. So the sickie bugs come, we get through them, and move on. My days are easier than they have been in the past. I survive the cough, as does she. When it gets bad we get through it, and it's kind of scary and upsetting, for both of us. Or maybe even more for me than her.

And I think to myself, that to others, what we go through isn't all that bad. And of course there are people out there who have it worse than we do. But it's impossible for me to think of that amidst it all. My husband wonders why it is still so hard for me, it's been years and he thinks I should be used to it. It's not that easy.

But now, I am in a better place than I have been in the past. I am more aware of my thoughts and reactions. I lean on my husband more than trying to fight it alone. I even found an article in the most recent Parenting magazine called "Xanax Makes Me a Better Mom" I encourage you to read it, whether you take a medication for a psychological condition or not. I truthfully relate to a lot of the things they talk about. I can't agree that it makes me be a better mom, but I can say it makes things easier for me to handle, which in turn allows me to take care of myself and my family better than before. I would never hide the fact that I do relay on a medication to make me a better person. The stigma behind taking medication to handle things that other's can handle without it isn't something to be ashamed of. Just recently, at a press conference regarding her Oscar win, Jennifer Lawrence spoke of the stigma behind this exact thing, she stated it very eloquently,

"It's just so bizarre how in this world if you have asthma, you take asthma medication. If you have diabetes, you take diabetes medication. But as soon as you have to take medicine for your mind, it's such a stigma behind it."

Jennifer Lawrence addresses mental illness in the beginning of her interview, but watch all of it, because she is super cute and funny. ;-)

I am confident in the mother I am today, and the mother I was a year ago, two years ago, 5 years ago. My medication makes it better, and I am sure my family would agree.

Revert and Retract

The sun shines brightly through the slats of the blinds in my bedroom. I sit. Nearly upright, with a congested & coughing 2yo girl on my chest. I breath in rhythm with her. I sometimes count the breaths, decipher the sounds of them, the length, the depths. A few large bath towels are always within reach in situations like this. I have caught more phlegm/puke in the last week or so then I have ever, in all my 4+ years of being a mom. And this is 'normal' for lily. Heck, maybe this is normal for some other kids out there. But this is certainly foreign territory to me. It's anxiety ridden, poison for my brain.

It's times like this I revert and retract, from life, from love, from everyone and everything....except her. And sometimes, my diseased mind thinks horrible things like "it was so much easier before I was a mom" or "I miss being able to worry only about myself". Running away is so tempting, yet not an option. I would never abandon her. Even though giving up sounds so tempting sometimes.

Would I change my life? Hell, no. I'd like a healthier child, that's for sure. But her conditions come with the territory of being a mom, of being HER mom.

I try my best. I try to be strong and calm and in control. I try to go on with every day life. I try to trust and have faith and believe the doctor's. I try to not doubt. To not doubt the doctors and not doubt myself. Because doubt gets me nowhere....or atleast not anywhere good. It rips up my sole, more than usual. My strength is stripped of me in these moments and no matter how hard I try to revive it, I simply am lost.

But this? I am this way over this? This is going to be ok. And yes, she may (WILL) get sick again shortly after she gets well. But how many kids a d parents out there are living tougher, harder, more challenging lives? Or fighting for there's? And I am a mess over a cold/cough/bronchitis.

I have a love/hate relationship with myself and my ever messy mind. I love how much I care and fear and stress. Because I feel like I am observant enough to see everything going on that I can. But damn, I hate me too. Because why is it so damn hard? Hard on me, but mostly...hard on her? Why us? And what do I have to do to make it all better? I'll do it. Anything. Anywhere . Anytime.