light of gray

i sit in a dark living room. the only natural light is that of the gray skies outside, casting an ever so slight tone into the main level of my home. i stare into the sky and feel a bunch of feelings. feelings of giving up, or giving in, and letting go. i'm not sure which one my head and my heart want to settle upon because each have advantages and disadvantages.

i want to give up, to want to want to run away, to let someone else deal with it all. i want to make it someone elses problem. i want the fear and worry and lonliness to effect someone else. not me.

i want to give in. i want to take all of these feelings and let them eat me alive and take me hostage. i feel shackled and chained by so much that is inside of me. what more can i take?

i want to let go. as this would most certainly be the most beneficial and productive decision of the three. but i can't. i try and i fight it and i won't allow the release to occur. but my mind continues to race and pace and run into circles at the speed of light. it is exhausting and it squeezes every last ounce of life out of me. i fight and won't let it be more peaceful. why not? why can't i?

so i go on, hoping and praying something occurs to makes me breath a sigh of relief. and wondering when and how this will happen. maybe it never will.