Thursday, July 8, 2010


I am drained. Exhausted. Fearful. Sad.


I hate when one of the kiddos are sick. I wish it all away, give it to me if you must, but please, not the kids.

I took Lily on a walk tonight. Jonah and Daddy were nestled into the "Big Bed", fighting the nasty bug that has taken over my little man today. I turned Matt Wertz's album "Twentythree Places" on my iPhone, and pushed....pushed....pushed....her in that stroller. The heat engulfed me, and even at 6:45pm, I felt suffocated. My breaths seemed short and deep. My eyes closed a few moments longer with each blink. My head felt a tingly sensation of defeat and fear.  All the thoughts of "What might happen...." took over and I felt empty. I envisioned those horrible possibilities, and that twinge of doubt for not vaccinating him always pains me.  I hate doubting myself, because in the 9 months since he was last sick, I never once doubted decision.

But I know if it weren't worrying about this, it would just be something else. That is my nature. To worry. To ponder. To be anxious.

The dried grass crunched beneath my feet. I glance over the homes in our neighborhood that I have seen a million times before. Some old friends. Some new friends. Some empty and abandoned. Some with fresh souls, ready to conquer the little piece of the world we call our own.

And here I stand defeated. Anxious.

And there she is, tapping her little toe's to the rich sounds of Matt Wertz singing away to "'Marianne".

I fear this sort of life for her. The likeliness of her mental state is nearly already written for her. Just as it was for me and my sister. My mother and her sister. And her mother......