Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Clouds to the Sun

I have been contemplating going back to church. I went through this huge kinda falling out from a church I absolutely adored well over a year ago. I hate that I don't feel those things I felt when I was there. It was a range of emotions that I had never felt before. I felt important and needed and like I belonged someplace and that I got to be a part of something that is bigger than me or anything I could even imagine. My relationships with everyone was better. I was more patient and kind and understanding. I WANTED to be a better person, I so felt that when I was there.

I ponder returning to that church, where I was hurt by the "people" of the church, but not the actual "church" itself. I wonder if I could ever get all those feelings back. I wonder if I even have it in my heart to try.

Then I think about how hard it will be to find another church. One that I love, but that Todd will love too. And one that has an exceptional children's program. Someplace we won't feel intimidated or judged, like it is so easy to feel in today's contemporary churches. Someplace where we feel our fellow church-goer's are genuine and kind, not only to your face, but behind your back. Someplace we'd "fit in" and belong. Someplace that will make me feel all those things I felt before. But be better, and not fail me.

I stepped out of my comfort zone before, and I'm not sure if I am ready to reveal myself again like that. And be vulnerable and open and allow my heart to be broke again.

I have put it off for so so so long. It's time to make a change. Time to step out of the box once again. And give it another try. Give Him another try.

That time is now.

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