Been a rough one...

I haven't had the easiest time being pregnant, and those of you who have been reading this blog or following me on Twitter already know this. But this weekend, it just had to go one...step...further.

Here's a little history...
Long before I was pregnant with my son, I had been diagnosed with various forms of depression and anxiety. Now, personally, if my life is going fairly well, then I have no need for anti-anxiety/depression medications or therapy. I can manage it fairly well. But when life gets a little crazy, I get a little crazy. And if those crazy days are temporary, then for the most part, I maybe would have a few bad days, but then move on. Since my diagnosis over 10 years ago, I have been off and on medications and even visited a few different therapists. But when I became pregnant with my son who is now 16 months old, life took a turn I never knew possible.

I went through a serious mental catastrophe. I felt things I never felt before and thought things that only people in mental hospitals think. Even though the pregnancy was planned, once it became a reality, I quickly changed my mind. It wasn't what I wanted, and I was freaking out. I wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be. I hate change, more than anything. But after discussing things with my OB, he quickly advised me to get back on my medications and to get in to see this therapist he recommended, immediately! I followed his orders and set up an appointment with Dr. John. Within second from my butt hitting the chair in his office, tears started flowing from my eyes. I told him how badly I wanted things to be go back to normal and how much I hated feeling the way I did. His answer, "You are an adult and made the decision to have a baby. Now you have to deal with the consequences. If you have this baby, things will not be the same. If you don't have this baby, things will not be the same. So get that thought out of your mind, because it'll never be the same." I didn't like him too much after that, but decided to give it another shot. And frankly, if it weren't for my OB, Dr. John and the medication, I don't know if my son would be here today. And that is a thought I can't even bear. I can't believe there was a time I doubted staying pregnant.

Now here we are, this pregnancy, and currently holding at 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I have known I was pregnant since I was 6 weeks along, and began the journey of being sick on a daily basis at 7 weeks. All of those thoughts I felt with JM, I feel this time, and was again advised by the OB to get back on my medications. So, I waited and waited and waited, until I felt like I couldn't take it any longer. And Thursday afternoon, I took the first pill. Yet something went horribly wrong. Instead of helping me relax and calm down, it set me off in to a full blown panic attack. Tight chest, fast and heavy breathing, cloudy and foggy head, i was all shakey....it just felt so wrong. And this had never happened before, in all the years of taking Lexapro. After a few hours, the symptoms wore off, and I was thankful. But shortly there after, I started vomiting, out of control, over and over and over. This continued all night long, and once there was nothing left in my belly, it quickly stopped. But every time I tried to eat or drink something, it came right back up. Nothing would stay down. And since I wasn't eating much in the first place, I became sick, really quick. I quickly became dehydrated, and after a talk with the nurse at the Dr's office (the dr was out of town of course!), I decided it was best to go to the hospital late Friday night. They gave me bags and bags of IV fluids and an IV form of Zofran. I still felt pukey, but the symptoms of dehydration were gone, and I was able to go home after just a few short hours there. I got to spend the weekend relaxing since we stayed at the hubby's parents house until Sunday afternoon. My MIL (Thank the Lord for her!) took care of the little guy the whole time, allowing me to just sleep and rest and recover.

And here we are today, I have a dr's appt this morning, where we will have to discuss my next steps towards ridding myself of this depression I have fallen prisoner to. I'm sure the discussion of returning to the therapist will come up and either trying a new med OR resuming the Lexapro and trying to surpass the HOPEFULLY temporary side effects.

Ultimately, I just want to feel better...physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to look at baby clothes and toys and such and not feel disgusted. I want to be like the majority of you who talk so highly of how being pregnant you felt your very best. I want to want to be pregnant.

And hopefully, soon...those things will all become a reality.